Boy Girl Relationships
“Do you like him?” “Do you think she’s cute?”
Have you asked your pre-teen questions like this lately? Are you finding it hard to know whether your child has a boyfriend or a boy friend?
You’re not alone. For the child ages 10-12 years old, having non-romantic friendships with pre-teens of the opposite sex is an important aspect of healthy development for both boys and girls. But parents worry that having these friendships will encourage a more advanced boy/girl relationship than their child is ready for.
Here’s the good news. You can encourage and support these friendships between boys and girls without encouraging romantic interest. But to do that you first you must understand the normal evolution of friendship between boys and girls.
Do you remember when your child didn’t even recognize that her best friend was a boy? From the toddler years through the preschool years, your child enjoys playing with other children regardless of gender. Sure some gender preferences exist but boys play with dolls and girls play with trucks and neither boys nor girls make judgments about it.
It is during the preschool period though that boys and girls begin to recognize that there are differences between boys and girls. Not just in play but in the way bodies look and what bodies do. Once your child recognizes these differences, there is an expected shift in desire to play with each other….girls and boys want nothing to do with each other for a period of a few years.
Then comes the late school age/early adolescent period of development and all of a sudden boys and girls become interested in each other once again.
The upside of boy/girl friendships
Parents often fear this time in development because…interest to them equals romance. But in today’s social scene boys and girls are forming meaningful friendships with the sexual dimension far from their minds. While you may see some flirting going on, this is really a time when boys and girls are curious about all aspects of the opposite sex much beyond just sex. “How do I fit in with boys and girls?” “Do both boys and girls in my group like me?” “Can I have a reasonable conversation with boys and girls?”
These are the kinds of issues your child is thinking about. And when parents and teachers provide good social coaching around boy/girl friendships, your child’s future relationships benefit from this solid foundation.
There are a number of benefits to your child having opposite sex friendships. The first of course is that your child will get a lot of practice learning to talk and interact with the opposite sex without having the high emotional charge that comes with a relationship that has a physical component. More importantly your child gets to continue with her own identity development. She learns what is important to her, she learns what she finds interesting and she doesn’t define herself by what a boyfriend thinks of her. Sure she still identifies with what her friends think but the bigger and more varied the group, the more she has a chance to see what will be best for her.
What’s a parent to do?
Would you like to foster healthy boy/girl friendships without rushing the dating scene? Here are some strategies you can use for teaching healthy relationships that will lay a good foundation for later boy/girl dating.
Talk to your child
Your child will look for the information he needs. If you don’t take the time to talk to him, then he will simply look elsewhere including magazines, TV and the Internet. And not only will that information perhaps be incorrect…it won’t have your values attached to it. Boy/girl friendships provide an opportunity to teach the full spectrum of what healthy relationships should look like.
Listen to your child
As your child approaches adolescence, it is so important that you listen to her ideas, opinions and feelings. You can have a conversation with your child without letting go of the limits. Never tease or lecture your child about her friendships with boys, she will be less likely to hear your important messages or talk with you again about her feelings.
Supervise
Your presence and the presence of other adults will go a long way toward keeping your child’s friendships appropriate. Every child benefits from the social and emotional coaching that makes friendships work well. And when your child and his friends know adults are around, they feel safe, secure and are less likely to find themselves in situations beyond their emotional capabilities.
Set limits
Know what your “house rules” are for spending time with boy and girl friends. Let your child know what you expect her to do or say when she has friends over. Offer your child options for hanging out that both you and she can be comfortable with. Be sure to talk about these options before she makes plans.
As your child gets older, he will make more of his own decisions about what friends to make and which friends to keep. But your child still needs your guidance in learning how to form strong friendships with boys or girls.
Talk on a regular basis about what makes a good friend. Point out the strengths your child already has in making good friendships and offer to help him with the parts of socializing he still needs to learn. You don’t need to fear your child’s opposite sex friendships.
Encouraging healthy boy/girl friendships is the best way for you to teach your child about healthy adult relationships. Remember, commenting on how cute your child looks with her boy friend or asking questions about who is “seeing” who gives your child mixed messages about what others expect from boy/girl friendships at this age.
Listening to your child without judgment and talking to your child without pushing makes it more likely that your child will come to you for the guidance he needs to have the best friendships possible regardless of gender.
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