Social Skill Coaching
“I’m Telling”…Why telling doesn’t always mean you’re a tattletale
No one likes a tattletale but few really understand them. The popular view on tattletales is that a child tattles either because she is eager to get attention or get another child in trouble. But the truth is that a child who tattles often doesn’t have the necessary social skills to get along with others easily.
Development experts agree that if a child had the necessary skills to know when to tell and when not to, he would use them. Here are the most common reasons why a child may feel the need to come to you to solve seemingly simple problems.
• Your child tried to solve a problem but isn’t having success getting what he wants or needs.
• Your child is afraid of getting hurt or controlled by another child.
• Your child has limited ability to navigate the complexities of friendship.
• Your child sees that others are not following the rules and wants to know they apply to everyone.
Since adults sometimes give mixed messages about telling and not telling, your child may tattle because it is difficult to distinguish those situations in which to involve an adult and those situations in which she should go it alone.
Often your child’s need to enlist the help of an adult is legitimate and should be complimented instead of labeled tattling. When to tell and when not to tell can be complicated. That is why it is so important to recognize the need for active social coaching. A child can learn independent strategies for problem solving but it takes an active approach.
Tips for social coaching
- Set your child up for success socially. Short, structured play time is best for the child who has difficulty playing easily with others.
- Make sure your child and his playmates fit well together from a temperament perspective. A child who is either too controlling or too passive may not be the best fit given your child’s social skills.
- Be clear about what necessitates telling and what doesn’t. Let your child know it is always important to tell an adult when safety issues are involved.
- Role-play with your child various situations to show him which situations require adult involvement. Give your child examples of situations where telling an adult is warranted.
- Discuss with your child some of her options for working out problems. Taking turns, asking an adult for help or simply playing alone are specific options your child has when she is overwhelmed with friends or siblings.
- Give your child more effective language for how to get help socially. Practice sentences like, “We can’t agree on what to play or We both want the same toy,” will help your child resist the urge to yell and tell.
- Anticipate the situations that your child finds difficult and be prepared to help him. A lot can be said for intervening before situations get out of hand.
- Role model effective problem solving behavior. Your child learns so much from watching you. Show her the right way to navigate social difficulties.
- Reassure your child that he needs only to worry about his own behavior. You will be sure to manage the behavior of siblings and friends.
- Resist the urge to call your child a tattletale. Negative labels never help a child to make better choices.
- Listen to the feelings behind the tattling. If your child has difficulty handling her feelings she may be coming to you more for support than to tattle.
Always take the information your child tells you seriously. It is important that rules apply to all but it is especially important when issues involve someone being hurt verbally or physically. Your child is learning about accepting boundaries and limits so be sure to take these tattletale moments as learning opportunities.
Want to learn more about social skill coaching? You can watch a video clip about making and keeping friends. Click on the link below.
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